


are you feeling this connection?

by horsetrackhiggs



Category: The Vamps (UK Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Band, M/M, deaf tristan, trans connor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-05-17 03:25:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5852173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horsetrackhiggs/pseuds/horsetrackhiggs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>connor has never been more relived to get out of scotland, to start anew. the three boys he meets in his new life are an added bonus that he couldn't be more thankful for.</p><p>[ trans!connor jonnor and deaf!tristan tradley ]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. .1

**Author's Note:**

> hi so this is a new fic that im going to be writing. so pretty much they are all in highschool but im a lazy fuck so it's going to be the way american hs works even tho it's based in the uk. all four of them around going to be juniors, which puts them in the 16 - 17 age range lmao.
> 
> another note connor is trans, and dont worry, i am trans, so all this stuffed is based on legit stuff that goes on, and it's not going to be fethishised (put here do to it happening a lot, for example, esp in the 1d fanomd and it pisses me off). he has started hormone therapy and got his named legally changed before moving, but he hasn't had his top sugurey yet, which leaves him still wearing a binder (also if ur just figuring out that ur trans do NOT bind with ace bandages pls its super bad for u). if u have any questions about any of this dont be afarid to ask! i'm happy to answer.
> 
> tristan is deaf in his fic. he has since been birth. that's pretty straight foward, but jsyk.
> 
> i dont think there is anything else like super important meantioning before you read or anything, but yeah!

_"_ _sweetheart_ _,_ _why_ _won't_ _you_ _just_ _put_ _on_ _the_ _dress_ _for_ _grandma_ _?_ _she_ _bought_ _it_ _just_ _for_ _you_ _."_

_"_ _i_ _said_ _no_ _!"_

_\--_

it's connor's first day at his new school and he's already late. a few hours late at that. his mother had woken him up at the correct time, but as soon as he dressed himself he fell into an anxiety attack. it didn't last long, really, his mother helped him calm down pretty fast, but still told her son to take his time getting there and that she'll call the school with an excuse.

the office is cold and connor is rubbing his sweaty hands together as he stands before the front desk.

"you must be..." he's holding his breath as she speaks, as if something was going to go wrong. "mr. ball."

the scottish boy makes a noise in the back of his throat with a small nod. the office lady gave him a kind smile.

"you know, the lad who is going to be showing you around caused quite the fuss when you weren't here. he was so excited, wouldn't stop asking when his new best bud would show." she sighed, and connor laughed slightly.

"well i'm here now."

"that you are. give me a moment to call him down, he'd have a proper fit if i don't." she sighed lightly, shuffling behind the counter and quickly dialed the phone. connor noted that the kid's last name was simpson, wiping his hands on his jeans and the kind women informed him that he'd be here in a minute.

"'ello i'm brad!" someone was shouting from just outside the door, and not a second later a bloke with a mop of curls on his head bounds in. he's got a wide grin on his face, hand already held out for connor to shake.

the new boy gave him a small smile along with a short hand shake. "m'connor." he mumbled in response.

"cool, well, you have english third period right?" he questioned, brummie accent as thick as could be.

connor quickly took a look at his printed out schedule he was given while waiting for brad, then giving the other a quick nod.

"alright, same, follow me, con!" he shouts, and the women in the office just rolls her eyes and waves them off.

"so where did ya move from, then?" brad inquired, hand on connor's shoulder as they made their way down the hall.

"aberdeen." he stated proudly.

"could've guessed you were a scotsman. how come ya came here?" he asked innocently, and connor sucked in a breath.

"uh, well, my mum got a good job offer so me, her and my little brother lewie moved down here." he lied, looking away from brad.

"oh, cool." is all that was said, then brad was puing connor into the room.

connor stood awkwardly behind his guide as he introced him to the teacher, then both of them quickly taking their seats. a few looked up from their work, sparing a few glances at the scottish lad, but most didn't seem to care.

"class is almost over, to be honest. i don't even know what we were doing. wasn't paying attention." brad admitted sheepishly, and connor couldn't help but laugh a bit.

the two made small talk until the bell rang, and connor found himself already fond of the excitable boy.

as soon as the exit the door, someone as latched onto brad, pressing a sloppy kiss to his cheek. brad's giggling lightly as the blond presses his nose into the shorter boy's cheek. connor coughs lightly, and the unknown boy looks up at him quickly then shooting brad a look.

"oh, connor, this is tristan." brad states, bumping his hip against the taller lad's. "he's my boyfriend, by the way." he added, pressing a kiss to the side of the other's head.

"nice to meet you, i'm connor." the new boy mumbled, and tristan just started at him, eyebrows furrowed.

brad made a noise, turning to his boyfriend and doing something with his hands. tristan nodded with a smile, also doing something with his hands.

"tristan said nice to meet you too. and just so you know, he's deaf." connor didn't know what to say, he just gave the two a small smile. tristan made a face, quickly signing something to him.

"he said 'please don't be weird about it'." connor shook his head quickly, mumbling something along the lines of 'no no, never'.

"he can read lips if you talk slow and clear enough and in short sentences. you can always write to him too, or i can just translate, always." brad grins and connor nods along, watching as tristan takes his hand, slowly swinging it between them.

"i'll start to learn, uh, sign language. would you be cool with showing me some?" he asks quitely, and brad looks extremely happy, signing something to his boyfriend who then smiles wide.

"of course! not much of a teacher. but our other friend james, fuckin' real good at it. know he'd love to show you helped me out a ton. i only had learned pick up lines to flirt with this hottie over here." tristan elbows brad at this point, and only then does connor notice that he had been translating all of what he had been saying. "james' known tris forever. taught me a lot, great dude, won't let you just fly by with nasty words." connor let out a loud laugh, and tris pecked the brummie's lips.

they find out that connor and tristan share fourth period government, and brad had to go off to ecology with james. they parted with a kiss shared between the couple, and a promise to see one another at lunch.

the two lads passes notes back and fourth throughout the whole class, the documentary they were supposed to be paying attention to reduced to background noise.


	2. .2

"everyone, this is my daughter-- don't you roll your eyes at me young lady!"

\--

connor was waiting outside the ecology classroom with tristan, who he really has enjoyed so far and doesn't think he's been this excited about getting to know another person in ages.

he found a lot out about tristan. like he's been playing drums for awhile, and he wasn't half bad. right now him and brad were working on him keeping the right tempo, seeing as the tall boy wasn't able to hear what was going on around him, his freinds would always find him keeping the beat a little too fast or just a bit slow. brad's been facing him, strumming a guitar (sometimes james would play instead of brad) and singing along, the problem was with that was tristan had a hard time keeping his head up to make eye contact. but it was a work in progress.

he told tristan that he could play a few instruments himself, and the boy made him promise that he'd jam with them at some point, and connor was more than happy and willing to keep it.

he also found out that he and brad started dating freshman year, only a few months after they met. brad had been spending a lot of time with james, which left tristan on his own for a good while ('i honestly thought they were a thing at the time because of it!' the deaf boy had told connor). and when they all started to hang out again brad had nearly mastered sign language, minus odd words such as quicksand (he still didn't know that one), and tristan had never been more touched. even with that, brad still asked him out a few days later while giving tristan a hug and spelling it out on his back.

connor thought they were just the most precious couple anyone could come across, both so wonderful on their own that they just made the perfect pair, and connor is so damn glad he could call both of them his bros.

the scottish boy blinked and suddenly brad was latched onto tristan, waving a free hand at connor.

"hiya con!" he grinned, then pointing directly behind him. "that there is our friend james."

connor whipped around, knocking into tristan slightly who didn't even seem to notice. james was busy signing something to tristan, and brad made an offended noise in the back of his throat.

"uh, hi, i'm connor." he mumbled once james truned his attention toward him.

"nice to meet you, i'm james as you know." he gives connor this little smile that makes his heart flutter just a bit, and the younger boy is just barely able to manage an akward smile in return.

"to lunch!" brad annonces, reaching back and slinging an arm around connor, his boyfriend falling back with james who hold a silent convo together.

brad's grilling connor about what he thought about tristan, intrupting himself at some points by pointing out classrooms, teachers and other students on the walk.

connor can only laugh, a large smile coming to his face. he feels really good about them, this school, this town. everything is going to be just fine, he tells himself.


	3. .3

_"everyone, this is my lovely daughter--"_

_"don't call me that."_

\--

connor is sitting across from brad, who's pressed up against his boyfriend. everyone is laughing at a lame joke that james had apparently been waiting to share since the start of the day. the scottish didn't quite understand it, but it was hard to not laugh with james literally pissing himself next to the boy.

lunch was coming to an end, and tristan had kissed brad a total of 37 times (connor was keeping count, he wasn't super sure why though). in addition to the, james' made connor smile a total of 38 times (which connor also counted up, and he knew why this time).

"tris wants to know what class you have next." james says after tristan is done signing.

"i've got gym, then art." connor replies after pulling out his crumbled up schedule.

"me too! i mean, the gym part, not the art part." brad states with a grin, arm wrapping around tristan's shoulder as they move to stand up. the lights had been flicked off to let them know that it was time to head to electives.

"you're gonna have to fend for yourself in art though." james added and connor only shrugged.

"no big deal. i'm a big, strong, independent man!"

tristan let out a loud laugh at that and connor leaned over the table and punched his shoulder.

"jerk." he grumbled, then tristan made a vague jester that caused brad to gasp.

"come in con! let's get away from these meanies and get to class." brad huffed, pressing a long kiss to the deaf boy before latching himself onto connor and leading him away.

they get to the locker rooms and brad has already managed to strip down to just his briefs.

"you can put your stuff in my locker." he offered, quickly unlocking the lock.

connor mumbled a soft 'thanks' as brad pulled out his shirt to slip on.

"you gonna get changed man?" he questioned, and connor gulped.

"uh, i think i'll do so in the stalls." he replied quickly, looking at his shoes.

"suit yourself bud, i'll wait for ya." connor gave him a quick nod and was off.

gym went fine. his knee got bruised up though, got hit pretty hard with a hockey stick. but he wasn't really complaining, because he had a good time (plus brad threw his stick at the guy who hit connor on accident. it was unneeded, but he appreciated the brummie's actions either way).

when connor got home that day, he couldn't shut up about the new friends he made. his mom was more than happy, actually she was almost in tears listening to connor rave about them. lewie didn't care, he just told connor to shut up and took the drawing (it was the young boy as a super hero) connor had done in art today before excusing himself. that only left rex, connor's perfect pet lizard, to tell. and you can bet connor talked all night of them to his best companion (he also made sure to take a cute selfie with him, seeing as james gave connor his number for the soul purpose of wanted to see a pic of rex asap. james' responded with 'cuties' and tons of heart eyes emojis, and connor was more than satisfied).

 


	4. .4

_"i'm not a girl."_

_"what was that sweetie?"_

\--

it's been two months since the ball family left scotland, and connor has almost forgotten that he's only been in his new home for a short while. he loves it here, and can pinpoint a moment where he has ever been happier.

he's gotten really close with the three boys he met on the first day of school  (especially brad, connor just felt a special connection to the curly haired lad). the four barely ever part, and when they do they nonstop message on another in a groupchat that someone gets kicked from at least five times a day (added back right away, though. brad gets a bit out of hand with kicking people out, getting set off to do so by the smallest of things). 

every weekend they are all together (sometimes brad and tris aren't though, they need time for dates and fucking. and connor was was from aganist spending time alone with james and his precious smile) and they just do lame sleepover shit, good with it being something wild or just playing sorry or just watching a film. being in one another's company just fills a void the boys all seem to have, it's an unspoken thing but they all feel it. 

(connor is always in baggy shirts to sleep in, sneaking away to slip out of his binder when it gets too much, never allowing himself to press up against one of his friends too much, even if they are a cuddley bunch).

so yeah, connor has found his best mates, soul friend mates, bffls, bros, main dudes -- whatever you want to call the lads. and he's always smiling and laughing (connor's mum is so happy about this it brings her to tears).

school's been going great too. he's getting good grades, no one's started shit with him, and it's just overall been smooth sailing. everyone was nice, all the staff and students, connor didn't have anything negative to say really (he didn't care for anyone to sprayed too much body spray or used extra smelly lotion at school, it was just nasty).

his favorite class was art, and the teacher also holding a high place in his heart. there was an out of school art competition connor wanted to submit something too, but he needed a teacher to help him with the singing up process and pretty much be a mentor, even if nothing much was dne on their part.

so of course connot asked mr. malik, the art teacher, to be his. but by doing so he kind of had to come out, due to his piece being related to him being trans. when he pulled the older man aside after school to do just that, connor was shocked by what happened.

"don't worry connor." he started with a wide smile. "my boyfriend liam is trans as well, so i understand, to a point, you know. no one will find out, this is between me and you, okay? and it would be an honor to be your mentor." 

connor was shaking badly with a grin on his face as he nodded his head. 

"thank you so much, mr. malik."the scottish boy gushed, and the teacher only laughed.

"i'm here if you ever need to talk, by the way. or if you have any questions i know liam would be glad to answer." he stated, patting connor on the shoulder lightly.

"thank you so much, this means the world to me." 

connor was really fucking happy and couldn't ask for life to be going better right now. 


	5. .5

_"_ _baby_ _why_ _are_ _you_ _dressed_ _like_ _that_ _?_ _you_ _look_ _like_ _a_ _young_ _lad_ _!_ _go_ _change_ _and_ _take_ _your_ _hair_ _out_ _of_ _that_ _hat_ _."_

\--

as much as connor loved the days he had art, he loved his off days even more. he had both of his electives with james in those days.

first was health, which was run by the same lady who did gym. connor liked her enough, but james always seemed a bit in edge in that class. he remembers on the first day that when she had been going over what the would be covering, he anxiously raised his hand to ask if he would be able to leave the room if something was a bit triggering. of course the teacher nodded and reassured everyone that it was always an option.

james hasn't had to leave lessons yet, and connor kind of wondered what could shake the boy up so bad (he didn't ask though, it wasn't his place. he just bumped their knees together at the time with a soft smile).

what connor didn't like about that class was the intense heteronormative and cissexist teachings that went on. he didn't want to start a fight, because he knew he would cry and in the process out himself.

the second elective the two lads shared was just a simple study hall. they would stow away under a table in the back of the room, whispering to one another as they did their work. every time they would share connor's ipod (sometimes james, but connor had a larger selection), and every once in awhile james would pass out against connor, who hummed the songs lightly under his breath while continuing on with his homework.

it was such a natural and relaxed thing, so much so that connor forgets he only met him a few months back.

james just seems to fit into the scottish boy's life like there was always an empty place for him.

(even though connor does consider a certain brummie to be his best friend, only the deaf boy knows that he smiles a bit wider at james than he does everyone else).


	6. .6

_"darling, don't slouch, it's bad for your posture."_

\--

it was an understatement to say connor was buzzing. in exactly a weeks time he would be getting his top surgery done. finally he would be able to stop wearing that damn binder. he could stand up tall and proud without a worry or care on his mind.

but he was also scared, not about the procedure itself but rather something he was deciding to do.

the decision to come out to his best friend was on that had been thrown around in his head since the date for his surgery was set. it was honestly only connor's business, but when it came down to it, he really wanted to have a friend with him on this journey. Sure, his mom and little brother were great, so supportive and always willing to listen.

it's the idea of being able to open up to brad and talk to him about it, having him by his side; really comforted connor. he trusts the brummie, and wanted him to be there after all was set and done.

even with the intense urge to tell the lad, when he called him over the scottish boy was at a loss for words.

"everything okay, con?" brad asked softly, putting a hand on connor's shoulder, who only stiffened.

"i have to tell you it and i don't want you to hate me." he mumbled, and the curly haired lad furrowed his brows.

"if you like, are confessing to me or something, you gotta remember that I'm in love with tris--"

"no, no, it's not that."

brad frowned a bit. "uh, if you're about to tell me you like tris, then i really don't know if i can, like, you know, i just wouldn't be comfy, like, hum--"

"it's nothing like that!" connor exclaimed quickly, and the brummie felt a bit guilty for even thinking so.

"it's just that, ugh, fuck, I'm different than you, and the other lads." he sighed, and brad scooted a bit closer to him, giving the boy a nod to continue.

"jesus, this is harder that i remember." a deep breath. "so, like, i'm trans." and connor closed his eyes ready for the worst.

brad perked up at this, a small noise falling from his lips. "so you want to be a girl? i mean, shit, you are a girl?"

connor laughed lightly, shaking his head. he was already pleased with how his best friend was reacting.

"no, no, like, i'm a trans dude. i started my transition and changed my name before we moved here." he explained, and brad threw his arms around the lad, pressing their faces together.

"oh, cool! still good old con, ha." the dark haired boy had a wide grin and the younger one had tears welling up in his eyes.

"uh, there was another reason i wanted to tell you." brad just hummed in response, holding his friend a bit tighter.

"so I'm getting my top surgery next week." he stated, and brad gasped loudly.

"holy fuck connor! that's great, i'm so damn happy for you!"

connor let out a laugh, loving how genuinly happy brad was for him. fuck, connor had the best friend anyone could ask for.

"and i would really like it if you could be there for it, like, yeah." he mumbled, and brad looked like his face might split in half.

"it would be an honor! i'm so glad you trust me with this con, you're my best friend and i'm ready to be there for whatever you need no matter what!"

"you're the bestest friend anyone could ask for, b." connor grinned, finally moving to hug the small boy back.

so yeah, it was a complete understatement to say connor was buzzing. and it was also one to say brad was too.


	7. .7

_"_ _lewie_ _,_ _would_ _you_ _still_ _love_ _me_ _if_ _i_ _was_ _your_ _brother_ _instead_ _of_ _your_ _sister_ _?"_

_"_ _well_ _,_ _duh_ _."_

\--

connor had spent the whole last week on bed rest. it was a bit uncomfortable, especially before he had gotten the drains removed. he wasn't able to do much moving, his arms having to stay at his side, always lying in his back, really only getting out of bed to piss, shower and change the guaze.

brad was there everyday after school, and they just told the other boys that he was out of town (the brummie insisted that he had to take care of rex alone because he wasn't good with loads of people). they two just hung around, brad helping him out and all that shit.

the first time he took of the bandages connor cried along with his mom. brad just beemed and lewie didn't want to see his brother's nipples (it was long before the right color would come back, and they hadn't even begun the hardening process yet, a bit gross looking).

actually, every time connor saw his chest in the mirror now, tears would well up in his eyes and his face would start to ache from the grin on his face.

(after the week connor took a picture of his post op for his private instagram where he documented his transition. there's no way that it can be connected back to him, so it was a nice outlet to have. in the picture, brad's crouching down in front of the scottish boy, who had his tounge out, face scrunched with peace signs thrown up. connor loved the picture, a bit sad that he had to keep it secret).

connor's also been messing his art teacher's fiancé (mr. malik didn't know yet, liam's planning on asking him within the month) recently. he was filled with positives words and good advice, and connor loved the guy. it was nice, having someone who's the same as you, who understands.

he was going back to school next week, having a note to get out of gym until he's healed up. the lad's a but bummed, since he loves that class, but it was totally worth it.

he can't wait to see his other friends either, he missed the deaf boy and the extremely cute one (even if he texted both through out the past few days).

the week was going really well for connor, and he knows it's only going to get better (especially when james had messaged him sunday night the following: i cant wait 2 see u. ive missed u sm ❤).


	8. 0.8

_google_ _search_ _:_ _what_ _does_ _transgender_ _mean_ _?_

\--

connor is sitting next to james in his room, the two take a break from the asl lesson (connor was picking it up, and could hold basic convos with tristan now).

they were close, legs pressed up next to one another, connor listening intently as james went on and on about nothing. connor found everything about james cute. the little half smile he did while talking, the way he would talk fast, hands moving all around. the list could go on, because james was so damn cute and connor couldn't look away.

james was waiting for connor to answer his question (the scottish boy didn't hear it, too caught up in the scene).

"uh, what was that?" he questioned shamefully.

james let out a small laugh, bumping their shoulders together.

"i wanted to know if you wanted to go watch a movie? i haven't watched pacific rim in like a month, kind of going through withdrawals." he grinned, and connor nodded excitedly.

"dude, i love that movie! i kind of in love with mako." the smaller boy replied.

"bro, same! she's like, perfect."

they make their way downstairs, chatting loudly about the film as they get situated. james hits play once the title screen pops up, wrapping an arm around connor's shoulder. the trans boy took this moment to move so his back was more pressed against his chest, top of his hair tickling james' cheek lightly.

their breathing was in sync, and their voices soft as they made comments throughout the movie, even if there was no one else to be mindful of.

both boys are content, smiles present on their faces. even when tris and brad invited themselves over, disturbing the peaceful vibe they had going originally.

as the credits began to roll, brad groaned loudly about being hungry, and james quickly offered to go cook up some mac n cheese for the group. tristan went with him (who was clearly upset as we walked into the kitchen in james intensely reading the box, quickly taking it out of his hands with a sad look, then signing for him to boil some water) while connor explained the movie to brad, who had never seen it before and only saw part of it, extremely confused.

the four lads scarfed down their food, one by one passing out in the living room one by one, a random show playing in the background (brad laying ontop of his boyfriend, and connor with james' arms wrapped around him loosely).


	9. .9

_google_ _search_ _:_ _how_ _do_ _you_ _know_ _if_ _you_ _are_ _transgender_ _?_

\--

connor was laying down on his bed, but something was different. something was very different, and never in the history of connor's life had something happened like this.

james mcvey (a boy who connor has finally admitted to having quite the crush on) was on top of him, kissing him feverly.

the two had just had plans to hang out, but suddenly they could feel one another's breath, and any nonsensical lines that had set up themselves had been blurred. which lead them to this; a deed that had been going on for a good 20 minutes now.

"god, connor." james sighed with a smile, backing away slightly to get a good look at the scottish lad.

"god, james." connor copied with a grin just as wide. "yaknow, i've wanted to totally do that for like ever."

the slightly older boy leaned down again to swiftly kiss him. "me too, con. me too."

they started at each other for a good moment; taking it all in before returning to the heated make out session.

maybe a bit too heated, though.

james was obviously starting to sport a hard on, something that connor couldn't do. but he didn't seem to notice and the trans boy wasn't paying attention to that. call it pure luck.

the taller boy's hand slowly crept under connor's shirt, both of them still rutting and heaving against one another.

but then, both lads froze up.

"con, is your chest okay?" james asked slowly, and connor nodded sheepishly.

"yeah, just some scars." he said, holding his breath just barely, scared james would ask from what.

actually, because connor was so scared, when james went to move back to kissing him, he didn't react.

"connor? is everything okay, like, are you not into me? because like, your, you know what hasn't been like, showing that you are and now you're acting weird." james sighed, scrambling off the boy, who reached out to grab his arm in an attempt to keep him there.

"no james. it's just that i don't like, have a dick." connor mumbled.

"excuse me?" james' eyes widened, pulling out of connor's grip.

"i'm trans, james. and i've been--"

james cut him off.

"this is fucking disturbing. you fucking tricked me! played with my heart when you've really been a girl this whole time." he started, and connor couldn't breathe and he could feel the tears welling up.

"no, james, i'm not a girl, i'm--" he tried, but to no avail.

"just shut up! god i can't believe i was stupid enough to fall for that. you disgust me, what ever the fuck your actual name is."

"please! i didn't trick you or anything! i'm connor and i'm a boy!"

"no you aren't. you're just a sick son of a bitch." and with that james stormed out, leaving connor to sob to himself.

the next day, everyone knew. james outted him at school. everyone was starting, and then everyone was yelling names at him. they started getting physical but then...

james was there, pushing everyone away from connor, who was so terrified and confused.

but once james began to kick him and scream the awful names at him; he understood.

and james just kept kicking and punching and yelling and hitting and shoving and cursing and beating and taunting and--

connor ball woke up in a cold sweat, blinking a few times before crying out into the dark of his room.

he couldn't fall back alseep the rest of the night, he just blankly stared into space, few tears falling to his pillow that he didn't dare wipe away.


	10. 1.0

_youtube_ _search_ _:_ _ftm_ _transgender_ _shit_

 _search_ _results_ _:_

_**FTM** _ _**Transition: 5** _ _**Years** _ _**on** _ _**Testosterone** _ _**Pictures** _ _**/** _ _**Timeline** _ _uploaded by_ _skylareleven_

_**HOW**_ _ **I**_ _ **KNEW**_ _ **I**_ _ **WAS**_ _ **TRANSGENDER**_ _uploaded_ _by_ _benton sorenson_

\--

ever since the dream that connor had, he's been in a funk. it's not like he really had anything to worry about, but panic was setting in and burrowing into his thoughts.

let's just say he was having a hard time shaking it off.

he's crying too hard again, it's the fourth day since the nightmare hit him and he can't get over it. the scot hates when he gets like this; it happened way fucking more than he'd like to admit before he started to transition.

but back then it was at first sad tears at how hard it was that then turned into happy tears as he dreamt about his transition, and as he started.

he used to tell himself not to get his hopes up, but he couldn't stop himself from thinking about the day his voice drops, or when his body starts to fill out.

his high hopes were met, and it couldn't have been better.

but he's sad, scared and alone now. he doesn't know what to do. the fear of being rejected not something that was usually on his mind wouldn't fuck off, and connor was sure he would die from dehydration due to his tears before they even considered to stop falling.

connor hasn't been this absolutely terrified since he came out to his family.

the scottish lad is so lost in his head that he forgets him and tristan made plans to hang out alone, something they never got to do much.

his eyes are puffy and red as the deaf boy happily let's himself into connor's room. the smile on his face falling as he sees his friend try to hide his face in the pillow.

tristan quickly moves to his bed, pulling him up so they could look at one another.

'what's wrong?' tristan signs, and connor's shakey hands are unable to reply.

the taller lad shuffles around the mess of blankets on connor's mattress in search of the other's phone. once he does find it, he passes it to the scot instantly.

'just type it out.' tristan signs again, and connor just nods, but his hands are still failing him.

'i mm Soss fufkfijg carwted tridtna im not ttlile yoiu i dodjtnt want tot tlosoe eyou or jamames im so so scstated i am a fufkfonf trnansg' the message read when it was passed back to the older lad, who only quirked an eyebrow, trying to decipher the text.

connor made a strangled noise and took his phone, opening up an app and handing it back once again.

tristan looked on the screen and his eyes went wide. it was connor's instagram; but not the one he followed. it was his transition one.

he spent a few moment scrolling down the page, tears welling up in his eyes slightly (when he saw his boyfriend in one of the pictures he smiled slightly).

he manages to get to the first post; a picture of connor grinning, looking so young and well-- not masculine at all.

'got my first shot of t today! i honestly never thought i would get this far...be it bc i was too scared to come out or i kms XD but look at me now!!! i've got a lil bit of man (not that im any less a lad without t) in me, and im ready for the rest of my lyf!!! whoo!!!'

tristan didn't look away from the phone for a long moment, he just let out a long sigh.

he pulled connor into a hug, pressing his face into his neck. both boys were crying. it was a lot more intimate than it had been with brad when he had come out. maybe it was because tristan couldn't speak; in the moment only communicating with tear stained eyelashes and the shaking of his body pressed against connor's own.

it's a good while before tristan pulls away, wiping away tears frm his own face with a grin before moving to get rid of connor's.

'i love you, bro.' tristan signed, 'no matter what.'

connor just pulled him in for another tight hug.


	11. 1.1

_"_ _lewie_ _are_ _you_ _sure_ _you_ _know_ _what_ _your_ _doing_ _?"_

_"_ _duh_ _,_ _just_ _snip_ _snip_ _like_ _mum_ _does_ _to_ _mine_ _!"_

_\--_

even if connor ball was having a bit of trouble sleeping still since the nightmare, things were going well. having come out to tristan was great, he was a much better listener than brad, even though the brummie was always willing to lend an ear, tristan was just able to understand things with less questions.

he has won second place in the art competition he entered. he had a wide smile the whole time, everyone (minus james, for obvious reasons) he loved standing with him, even mister malik and his fiance (connor was more than exastic to hear that zayn had said yes when liam got down on one knee).

but the best thing of all was that he and james went on their first date. and shared their first kiss. both different events.

james mcvey had sent the scotish boy a long message that was mostly just rambled words that connor now held dear to his heart when he asked him out. his reply was much less elegant, but held the same excitement.

they held hands in a local ice cream shop and james was shiving just a bit due to the date being just a bit inappropriate for the weather, along with his attire.

connor didn't give him his jacket, but did use it as an excuse to pull their chairs together and press close.

their first kiss was at a big hardware store nearly a week from their first date. connor's mother needed to get some wood chips for the yard, and she decided to drag all three of the boys currently in her home. she had some more things she wanted to look at, lewie begging to go to the paint section, so james and connor offered.

lewie was snatching up paint swatches, and so was connor. it wasa thing they always did, an unnecessary brother collecting that just pevved their mum off with the piles of them.

james wanted the scottish boy in awe, joining in slowly, only turning to connor when lewie raced to the counter to watch a staff mix the paint together for a costumer.

"this color reminds me of your eyes." james says softly, passing the blue swatch over to his almost boyfriend. "but not as pretty."

connor blushed with a light laugh, reaching out for james' hand and intertwining their fingers together.

there was a sappy song playing faintly over the store intercom, the musky smell of paint and yard work that would easily give anyone a headache if inhaled too long, and all too bright lights, doubly annoying due to the fact that the ungoldy white floor reflected them 10 fold.

but that didn't stop james mcvey from kissing connor ball.

and that didn't stop connor ball from kissing james mcvey back.

it was quick, but long enough to be satisfying for the both of them, somehow unnoticed by every person around them.

"so, boyfriends?" connor questioned, with a wide grin that outshinned the obnoxious lights.

"yeah, boyfriends." james replied, managing to return the same side smile.

(when connor gets home, he doesn't put the swatch of blue in the community pile, but he does set it on his nightstand).


	12. 1.2

_"what the fuck have you done to your hair?"_

_"are you mad mum?"_

_"no, guess not. just let me fix it sweet."_

_\--_

connor is in love with james mcvey. maybe. he's never been in love before but he's sure that what he and james had is it.

they are both over the moon. both their best friends gagging and laughing, thanking god they are over their honeymoon phase.

speaking of brad and tristan. they weren't completly on speaking terms at the moment.

mrs. evans wanted tristan to go through with this new experimental surgery in an attempt to allow her son to be able to hear again. tristan, however, didn't want shit to do with it. so what if he couldn't hear? it was a part of who he was, and he had come to peace with it. he didn't want to waste his time. being deaf, while made it a bit harder for him overall, wasn't something he wished he was without.

brad tried to get him yo at least humor his mom. look into it. because maybe he'll change his mind, maybe he'll want to go through with it after hearing it from a doctor.

if tristan wanted to yell at him (his face was red, feet stomping, moving much more aggressively to convey such). he wanted his boyfriend to be in his side, he didn't want to have sides, he just wanted to continue on with his life like always.

the brummie slammed the door on his way out and tristan didn't even cry.

connor shoved brad off his bed once he told him what happened. the barely smaller boy has just shown up sobbing, and the scottish felt awful, but now he was just pissed.

"what the fuck did you do that for?" he huffed, sitting up quickly.

"are you serious? you basically told your boyfriend he's a shit person for learning to be proud of himself and his disability and that it's an inconvenience for everyone else so he should get fixed, like he's broken or some shit brad!" connor was shaking as he spoke, clenching his fists.

brad froze up, almost as if he was in a daze for a good few minutes before cursing under his breath.

"that's not, con, that's not what i meant. that's now how i wanted it to sound. fuck." his head was in his hands now, trying to keep himself from crying again.

the trans boy stayed silent, even as the brummie began to text his boyfriend over and over again.

no response.

"i can't even be mad that he's ingoring me, it's all my fault." he signed, wiping tears from his cheeks.

connor couldn't argue with that.

they sit in silence for a bit, brad staying until james came to pick connor up for a date.

the two were going the town over for a local fair. connor just wanted to hop from food truck to food truck really, and james was more than happy to do so.

the rest of the day was filled with sweet kisses, linked fingers, constant selfies and loads of food.

it was going great, until someone connor has never met in his entire life calls after him.

the boy looked about 15, home hair cut, flushed cheeks, slender with way too many layers on for the weather.

"oh my god!" his voice cracked, hands visibly shaking. "i can't, can't believe this, like, you've been my biggest inspiration, for like, ever!"

james leaned over and whispered into his boyfriend's ear, "what's she in about?"

connor ingored him as he moved forward slightly.

"hey, nice to meet you." he smiled and the boy looked as if he was going to cry.

"shawn. my name, shawn."

"cool, i think it fits you."

"aw shit, thanks! my mom helped me pick it out, you know, like, yeah. she's been super supportive, i don't know what i would do without her." he starts, taking a deep breath. "and like, i want to really thank you. i was so scared last year and finding you posts and hearing your story really gave me the strength to be myself and be proud. it-- you really changed my life."

connor, much like shawn, was tearing up slightly (james just watches on in confusion).

"can i give you a hug?" the scottish boy questions, and the younger one leaps forward, clinging on tightly. connor does the same, practically holding the boy up.

shawn pulls back running his fingerd through his hair. the two chat for a bit more, they take a picture together and once it's posted on instagram, connor reposts (well, that's once he gets home, the caption is very long and he was still on a date after all and his slow fingers would not get what he needed to say fast enough) it and followed him. they hug again, it's shorter and less intense than the first. shawn is beaming as he runs back to find his friends.

"i have no idea what just happened." james says as connor presses a kiss to his cheek. "like, how the hell does she know you?"

"he. his name is shawn." connor corrects. and james rolls his eyes slightly.

"alright, how does he know you?"

"internet."

"that was pretty emotional for someone who just barely knows you on the internet." james says sternly, and connor starts to get anxious.

"i helped him through some tough stuff." he tries, but james doesn't let it go.

"like what?"

"james." connor sighs, and his boyfriend just stares. "i'm, uh, i'm..."

"you're fuckin what?"

"i'm transgender."

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoyed
> 
> tumblr: cobracamjunior


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